Dog Dazed and Confused

Well, it's the dog days of summer... at least for a sports fan. Hey, I love the CFL and Major League Baseball, but both are at very undramatic points of the season. The CFL races heat up after Labour Day, as do the pennant races. And with NFL training camps just barely underway, the North American Sports Fan is in purgatory.

So what could happen to spice things up? Here's a few of my personal suggestions that just might turn the nightly highlight reel into "Appointment Television".

1. Tiger Woods plays a full round drunk with John Daly.
Just imagine the conversation as Long John regales Tiger with "Tales from the Winnnebago" as he urinates just off the sixth tee box. Tiger then drops a profanity-laced tirade on an over-exuberant fan for breathing during his backswing, and proceeds to play javelin with his 4-iron, the club he just hit to the first fringe. Who doesn't have enough personality now, Phil?

2. NASCAR holds "Beater Night at Daytona".
Everyone from Jeff Gordon to Matt Kenseth fires up a piece-of-crap car donated by 20 contest winners. Envision the hilarity of watching Greg Biffle's Gremlin trying to go inside of Jimmie Johnson's Yugo on turn 3 at 47 MPH. "Uh, oh! Tony Stewart has lost the rear panel of his #24 Pacer! He'll need to ducktape some aluminum siding on his ride at the next pit stop!" Plus, with NASCAR you know there'll be some drinkin' and fightin'.

3. Jared from Subway vs Bearded Canadian Tire Guy: The Cage Match
In a desperate attempt to revive their respective E-list celebrity status', the former commercial annoyances engage in a pay-per-view wrestling event. Jared has the obvious weight advantage, but what Mastercraft tool will Bearded Canadian Tire Guy bring into the ring? Winner gets a 15 second commercial that airs at halftime of CBC's Pacific Rim Table Tennis Challenge.

4. PBA vs Bass Fisherman Team Decathalon
Non-athletes involved in actual athletic endeavours. Imagine watching the "well-rounded" stars of professional bowling attempting to clear the 1.0 metre bar in the high jump. Or your average bass fisherman sizing up the flexibility of his rod for the pole vault. This would qualify as "Inspirational Television", as everyone at home saying, "C'mon, I could do that" would be right for the first time in history. Losing team must sign official documents confirming that their beloved hobby is not in fact a sport.

5. Monkey Roller Derby
Monkeys are just so damn hilarious. Whether they're laughing, swiping stuff or just trying to pee on each other, they always make me chuckle. So why not throw them on rollerskates and see what happens? I guarantee it's better than 95% of the crappy Reality shows on TV.

Those are just a few ideas to amp up the sports world every July and August. I'm sure you've got some ideas of your own, so feel free to suggest them in the comments section. While I'm waiting, I'll try and get ahold of the Bearded Canadian Tire Guy. Lord knows he's itchin' for another shot at fame.